Rolling Down the River

There are two distinctly different reactions I get when I tell people I’m going on a river trip.

My northern friends: “You’re going to the Delaware River to kayak? How healthy and full of life!"
My southern friends: “You’re going to the Guadalupe River to float in an inner tube and drink copious amounts of beer while freely peeing at any given time? Me too!"

This past weekend, I floated the Guadalupe River with some friends for the first time in about 3 years. For those who have never floated, I've outlined my favorite things about floating the river in the Dirty South. For those who have floated, I've outlined the reasons I miss you.

"Floating. The. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
#1 - Pee-Free-For-All
The best thing about the river is that it’s a free-for-all when it comes to bodily fluids. You may think that’s gross, but hear me out. I have a small bladder (hey ladyzzzzz). Once I “break the seal”, I can’t stop won’t stop, especially while making eye contact with my fellow floaters. There’s nothing better than drinking approximately 4 or 5 or 12 beers, and not having to get up once to relieve yourself. Still gross?

"Let's hurry up and get to the river. I have to use the bathroom."

#2 - River People
The next best thing about the river is the people watching. You always get a wide array of new friends. This past trip, my friend pointed out the most glorious tattoo I’ve ever seen in my life. God parted the clouds and shined down a light onto a man's right chest display of Jar Jar Binks art. “This has to be the only existing Jar Jar tattoo on Earth, right?” my friend asked. To which I lifted up my right swim trunk leg, pointed to my thigh, and replied, “Mine is here in spirit.” Then we all poured one out for George Lucas’ soul. RIP.

"Thisa bad. Thisa tattoo is very bad."
#3 - Getting Some Sun
This may not be on your list, but for those of us who look like Powder or the Prometheus engineer (hey ladyzzzzz #2), getting some sun when we can is a must. The river forces you to stay outside for 3 to 5 hours in direct sunlight. You'll either tan, burn, or evaporate. I always go into a day of floating thinking that I'll come away looking like The Situation. When in reality, I burn in the weirdest spots. It doesn't matter how much sunscreen I put on, I will burn somewhere. I currently have a red circle on the front of my upper thigh which is a great conversation starter. Thanks, river!

Accurate reenactment of me working on my base tan.

There are several other things I enjoy about the river, but I like making lists and you guys don't like reading. So I made a short list. The longer list includes: showcasing my beach body that slightly resembles this wombat, falling asleep at 7pm afterwards, the outlet malls on the way there and back (Kate Spade!!!!), and the general camaraderie between a group that goes floating. I love you, guys. I love you enough to sit in an inner tube high fiving with one hand, drinking a beer with the other, and looking you right in the eye while peeing.

Float on,


  1. Thank you for not mentioning any other river trips that you've gone on....seriously :)

  2. You WISH you were as muscled and as tan as the Prometheus engineer.

  3. Whose to say he isn't Darci? Something goin on when you guys watch TV that I dont know about?

  4. Love it! And I love the Kate Spade outlet tooooooooo!!!!

  5. Im upset I didn't get an invite to float the river. But I still love you, and your writing, and your shortness, and FIFA skills, and that other thing you know i like...

  6. The round spot is ringworm. Welcome to the Guadalupe.

  7. Do girls wearing tulle covered cowboy hats count as river people? Oh really? Even if it's a bachelorette party? But did you know all the 'kewtest' girls do it?

    Good news is it is possible to judge someone for doing the same thing as you. And that decorative hats don't interfere with being in charge of the cooler tube.


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