Buggin' Out

"Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs ruin your life for two weeks while you pack up all of your stuff and wash everything you own, trying to isolate the 10 ft x 10 ft apartment you squeeze into in New York City." 
- Peter Venkmen, from my fan fiction and/or dreams in which we are BFFs
New York City has a bed bug issue. This isn't new news. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do to prevent an infestation. You can protect your things with covers, but you never know when someone is going to bring them into your home, your tiny tiny New York home.

My biggest fears (in order):
  • heights
  • Merriam-Webster recognizing "YOLO"
  • NBC canceling Community
  • unavoidable back hair
  • bed bugs
Recently, my roommate discovered bed bugs in her room. Bed bugs (aka Bed Buddyz) live in fabrics, normally bedding. They hang out near your headboard and come out at night to drink your blood which seems like a steamy Stephanie Meyer romance novel in the making.

example of an annoying bed bug

Fortunately, my room and our kitchen were both clean. Unfortunately, they still treat the entire apartment. 

This requires you to wash everything you own, put everything you own into trash bags, and realize that as a man, you have too many blankets (because women love blankets, am I right, Donny Drapes?).


The silver lining in all of this - After going through all of my clothes, I donated two bags of (washed) clothing to Goodwill. So some lucky soul in New York will soon be walking around in a pre-owned "Everything's Bigger in Texas Except For The Bed Bug Issue Apparently" t-shirt.

The aftermath of getting this issue treated is yet to be seen. Time will tell if anyone will come over for my dinner parties - first course: cereal, second course: pasta, third course: root beer floats. Time will tell if anyone will want to come over to watch me play NHL 13 online against 11 year olds.  Time will tell if I'll option "Bed Buddyz" as a half hour cartoon about the trials and tribulations of a family of bed bugs as they embark upon their own Oregon Trail (aka my blanket collection).

Despite all of this uncertainty, one thing is for sure. Even though the issue has been taken care of, I will never ever get a good night's rest for the remainder of my life.

Itchily yours,


  1. im sorry for your bed buddyz probs, but this made me laugh. sounds like new york is way better than stinky ole texas! ;]

  2. I almost peed my pants laughing. My boyfriend and I are dealing with the SAME PROBLEM on the west coast. His place is finally getting sprayed down today. Such a pain in the ass!


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