Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from January, 2013

Furry Fandom: Trash Monster

Trash Monster
Portland Sea Dogs


The Portland Sea Dogs have two mascots.

Their priority mascot is "Slugger the Sea Dog". He's a seal. He seems like the perfect family friendly mascot. His favorite song is "Who Let The Dogs Out?" and his favorite dance is "YMCA". The guy is a people pleaser.

If the minds behind the Portland Sea Dogs' mascots were operating off a zero sum creativity pie, Slugger received 100% of the thinking. What's left for the secondary mascot is a mutant garbage can concepted from the leftover fat of an Oscar the Grouch idea.

Meet "Trash Monster".
He's a 5' 5" garbage receptacle. I can't seem to find an origin story on him so if you'll allow me to speculate...
Approximately one hundred years ago, a Portland native disposed of an old piece of cheese into an aluminum garbage can. Through an isolated process of evolution, the old piece of cheese molded further, sprouting some interesting appendages: …

Pooky Jardieu: 1996-2013

A few weeks ago, my mother had to put my childhood dog down. Pooky had a good run - a 17 year run to be exact. 17 actual human years. Most of my friendships haven't lasted that long.

Ours did.

Every little kid wants one thing: to urinate freely everywhere. But after that, every little kid wants a dog. For years, I begged my parents for one. Finally, when I was in 3rd grade, they gave in.

I was home sick. It was Valentine's Day. Before you feel sorry for me, just know that I ALWAYS call in sick on Valentine's Day to avoid the barrage of barbershop quartet love-a-grams from all my admirers.  So I was home sick. I was 10. My biggest concern was that I wasn't going to get any candy.  My doorbell rang. It was our neighbor holding a tote bag. I thought she was being nice and bringing over some of my favorite 3rd grade time-wastes: coloring books or Animorphs novels. Luckily for me, it was neither.

Inside the tote bag was a little puppy. She had wispy tan hair, an under bite…

How to Survive the Cold Front

Weather update: New York is cold.

My walk to work yesterday met me with a wind chill of 1 below. I was bundled up so heavily, I could barely move my arms.

Really sartorial Don Draper of me.


Okay. I realize Chicago has a windchill of about 25 below. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION BOTH ARE SUPER COLD I AM FROM TEXAS AND NOT USED TO THIS SHUT UP.

What can you do to stay warm? Here are some tips I've found useful:
Microwave your undershirt for 20 seconds before putting it on.In the corner of your apartment, light a newspaper fire fueled by Vick's VapoRub.Drink hot soup. Not eat. Drink. Like a lot. Fill your Neti Pot with Taco Bell hot sauce. Read the funny packaging. Then nasal rinse.Reenact the plot from the film Batman & Robin. You're Batman. You're trying to stop Mr. Freeze. But not before he can spout some of these classics. Let the warmth of physical activity embrace you.Pajama jeans.Get your puffy down jacket. Take all of the down feathers out. Stuff the feathers into yo…

New Year. New Me?

Recently at a dinner a friend asked me what my resolutions were. I had nothing for her. I could have lied. I could have said...

"I'm going to eat healthier," as I was shoving 18 pounds of lamb into my mouth.
"I'm going to learn something new," while I obviously already knew everything.
"I'm going to quit smoking," after I'd just enjoyed Hungry Hippo'ing a candy cigarette.
"I'm going to use less technology," as I was live tweeting my dinner...
"Just took another bite! #chewing #digestion #stomach"
"@guyfieri #missyou #dinner"
"Where's the bathroom? #help #18lambpounds" But I couldn't sit there and lie.

It was 7pm on January 1st.

When I got home, I sat down and decided to make a resolution statement:

"I'm going to exercise...my right to free speech...to say that I don't have any resolutions."

Resolutions have never made sense to me. I understand goals. But I don't …