Furry Fandom: Spike

It's been a while since my last Furry Fandom post. But all that time I was just waiting for the perfect candidate to disrupt my life and rob my brain of its sanity. And here we are. Thanks to a tip from a buddy, I've caught a mascot red handed (or red pawed? I dunno it's been a while since I've written about mascots.)

This culprit is responsible for stealing my sanity, eating it up, and soft serving it on my mind's yard for me to dream-step in it.

Round Rock Express

"All aboard the express train to the psych ward."

His name is Spike.

He's the Round Rock Express minor league baseball team mascot.

After reading more about him, my brain simply can't comprehend how he got the job. So I'm here to expose why the Express should have stamped his résumé with "Do Not Hire."

Exhibit A - Lack of Job Loyalty

His bio page lists him as 13 years old which in dog years is WAY past retirement age. So why is he still working?

A quick read over his bio page unveils that he arrived in Round Rock by simply jumping from a train. There's something fishy about this. Just take a look at his hat. HE WAS THE CONDUCTOR. Because of his lack of job loyalty there is now a dangerous runaway train out there on the Texas rails. And the Express fans still trust him with their children. Sickening.

Exhibit B - Outed as a Liar

Spikes' favorite movies include The Sandlot, Milo & Otis, and "Airbud". Anyone who has seen Air Bud respects Air Bud. And if you respect Air Bud, you know that the title is not one word. This blatant show of ignorance leads me to believe that he googled "dog movies" and copy/pasted examples into his mascot application form. Dishonest.

Exhibit C - No Attention to Detail

He's officially listed as a 6'7" hound (on two feet) weighing in at "275 lbs. of fleeless furball fun." Fleeless? Is he trying to say flea-less? Hey, Spike. Scripps called. They want their dictionary back because you are clearly not using it. But before you give it back, look up this word: Detestable.

An example of a 6' 7" hound in the wild. May not be fleeless.

Exhibit D* - In It For The Wrong Reasons
 *lol my new pickup line

Spike admits to entering "a life of stardom". He's obviously in it for the love of fame and not the game. He even claims to be "the most sought after K-9 performer since McGruff." Sure, mascot heads are big, but this takes the meaning to a new level. If I remember correctly, McGruff did what he did to help kids, not for money. Spike only cares about being famous. Despicable.

After all this, the Round Rock Express still hired him. With unemployment numbers this high, you'd think they could have held out for someone more qualified.

Nonetheless, the Round Rock fans have embraced him as one of their own.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we can all take this as a lesson in second chances. Maybe Spike has corrected his ways. Maybe you CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

Spike could learn something from these two —
 how to make a new classic American film.

Maybe. But I'm still skeptical.